Don't Dump The Dog by Randy Grim

Author:Randy Grim [Grim, Randy]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
Publisher: Skyhorse Publishing, Inc.
Published: 2011-01-24T11:00:00+00:00

Submissive Urination

There—I used the word.

Had to, because this is a big one at Stray Rescue, where many of our volunteers and foster parents take on dogs who’ve been abused. We can’t say “submissive peepee” or “submissive number-one” any more than we can say “submissive see-a-man-about-a-horse” and sound like we know what we’re talking about.

I did try once, though. A guy called about a dog he’d adopted from us who did the deed every time he came home from work. He was a carpenter, and when he asked, “Man, why the hell does she piss every time she sees me?” I heard the angry alpha male well up in his voice and knew right away what the problem was.

“She’s taking a leak submissively, man,” I said, trying to use language I thought he’d identify with—trying, in other words, to sound like one of the guys.

“Huh?”

“You know, man, submissively whizzing, submissively hosing things down?”

“Huh?”

“Okay, let’s say there’s a group of guys in a bar and one guy says to another, ‘Your wife is so fat that when she walks past a window, we lose four days of sunlight,’ and everyone laughs except the guy with the fat wife, who doesn’t understand it’s a joke, and he’s so afraid he’s about to get beat up for having a fat wife, he squats down and pisses on the floor to show that he’s no threat.”

Silence on the other end.

“See, the man with the fat wife is showing submissiveness. He doesn’t stand up and piss on a bar stool; he squats down and pisses on the floor.”

More silence.

“He’s telling the other guy, ‘I’m just a nobody. I’m no threat to your status in this bar, so please don’t beat me up.’ ”

Still more silence.

“Hello?”

“Man ... what in the hell are you talking about?”

What I tried and apparently failed to communicate is that submissive urination is a problem much like territory marking in that it’s an instinctual issue for dogs—a way of saying something without using words.

In a wolf pack, there are rules that members must follow in order to keep the pack intact and working. In a way, a wolf pack symbolizes a Hobbesian dictatorship, where all members of a group submit to the leader, no questions asked, because no matter how bad the leader is, someone has to lead, just like in politics. Wolves, like all pack animals, are afraid of being alone, because a solitary life is nasty, brutish, and very, very short, so a wolf—and its genetically challenged cousin, the dog—will do whatever it takes to remain a member of the group, including acting the fool, i.e., squatting and urinating in the leader’s presence, which makes the leader feel better about himself and less inclined to beat anyone up.

So the carpenter’s dog who saw a man about a horse every time he walked in the door was simply telling him: I acknowledge that you are and always will be the leader. I am no threat. I want to remain part of this pack.

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